you have good team building skills – there will be lots of dragging people away from their desk at short notice so that you can give them some crap motivational talk in the boardroom whilst they cry a lot. You’ll also find yourself saying things like ‘there’s no ‘I’ in the word ‘team’ “ a lot.

we offer comprehensive training – provided you believe that pretending to be a tree whilst holding hands with your colleagues halfway up a mountain in Brecon in the pouring rain means 'comprehensive' that is

You have a good eye for detail – you are one of those irritating people who spots there is a comma missing just as we’re about to send out a mail shot to 2,000 people. 

It's a hands-on role – we don’t employ removal firms and we don’t have a maintenance department. Therefore, expect to hump desks, pot plants, drinks machines etc. frequently. 

It's a varied role –  Your motto will be ‘so much to do, so little time’ 

you're passionate – uh oh, potential sexual harassment candidate here guys  

you have good organisational skills – you take the time and trouble to keep things like staples and paperclips in your desk tidy rather than just slinging them in a drawer in your desk. 

you balance the day-to-day with the strategic – you don’t just talk a good game 

you're fully conversant – you could talk the hind legs off a donkey about nothing in particular 

you're sensitive to the needs of others – you bring cakes in on your birthday  

the rewards speak for themselves – so we’ll say no more about them 

you have what it takes to influence others –  if all else fails you'll take them down the pub and get them drunk 

it's an autonomous role –  and you’re Billy no mates twin brother - perfect!

you're self-reliant – you don’t trust your colleagues any further than you could throw them 

you're tactful and diplomatic – your 'team' are a touchy lot, so expect to walk on eggshells a lot

you enjoy communicating with a diverse range of people – we’re a right bunch of weirdos 

you have good time management skills - you're one of those annoying people that gets up at five in the morning on your days off, just so you can 'make the most of the day' 

it's an influential position – your desk will be right in the middle of the office

you're a creative thinker – you have an excuse for everything 

you know how to motivate others – we find steel toe capped boots and shouting a lot works the best 

you know how to deal with constant changel – we’re like headless chickens, you’re the farmer 

you're target driven – you'll get to write the sales figures up on the boards with the magic marker pen 

 
it's a role that calls for a broad knowledge –  we will expect you to be a mine of information, most of it useless  

and lots more – in case we didn’t cover ourselves by slipping the word ‘flexible’ into the copy somewhere

you're adaptable – you'll do as we say not as we do 

it's full of challenge and variety – it’s a very frustrating job, but we mix the frustrations up a little bit. 

you're forward thinking – you can't wait for going home time 

...in what can be pressurised environment – two of your colleagues don’t talk to each other. We’ve moved them to opposite sides of the office but they have the occasional flair up, usually by the photocopier. 

you're career minded – uh-oh, another Billy no mates 

you cope well with upheaval – your boss is like a disgruntled housewife. He’ll just come in without warning one day and say he’s decided to move the office around.

It's a role that involves extensive travel – our head office is in the middle of nowhere 

you'll be a primary source of knowledge – the world and his wife will be hassling you for advice all day, every day  

whilst not essential, would be useful – Listen, if you haven’t got what we’re looking for, don’t bother applying because sure as hell some bright spark will have 

it's a multi-faceted role – someone has to be the dogsbody and that someone is you 

it's full of scope and variety - …and photocopying and filing, and more photocopying and more filing 

you're a persuasive communicator – you’ll find yourself saying ‘do it or you’re fired’ a lot 

it's a high-profile role – we’ll be watching you like hawks 

you're self-motivated – you don't need a good kick up the arse in the mornings - unlike the rest of us 

you manage your time effectively – you surf the web all day but minimise the window so that it looks as if you’re busy  

it's a vital role – no other bugger wants to do the photocopying and filing 

you have a methodical approach – you’re a bit of an anorak 

we're a friendly and dedicated team - until you cross us or f*** up that is

you enjoy working independently – your office is miles away from everyone else’s 

no two days will be the same – it’s f***ing chaos here! 

often under pressure – we’re seriously understaffed 

this is a brand new role –  The job description is flakier than puff pastry 

you're dynamic – pushy sort are you? 

you're ambitious – we’ve got plenty of plodders thanks very much