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| Writing for laughs...
As well as the daytime job, I write comedy when the inspiration comes along. Indeed I have had a sitcom in development in the past with the Beeb. I am also a BBC accredited writer with work performed on Parsons & Naylor's Pull Out Sections on Radio 2. In my quiet moments I am always trying to think of the next big comedy idea! One day I will post up an entire episode of my sitcom. In the meantime, here are some random bits and pieces 'wot I wrote'. Oh and talking of laughs, check out my brief dalliance with the world of pop music.... my short-lived rock n roll career (EP unavailable in all good shops!)
Click on the link below and you'll find my creations 'Dave's rubbish interviews' (Whilst the delivery is abit wooden you'll get the gist. basically he gives crass answers to stock interview questions), Job Ads, what they say and what they mean (again, wooden delivery but sort of works) and the world's most wooden stand up (written exactly because the delivery is so wooden!)
www.youtube.com/Alconcalcia
Here's a paper version of the reading between the lines of a job advertisement, plus a couple of other bits and pieces I have written in the past:
JOB ADS. WHAT THEY SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
ENTICING VOICE: “Looking for a brighter future?”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Your desk will be near a window, or the MD’s solarium, we haven’t decided which yet.
ENTICING VOICE: “We’re an innovative company”.
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We were amongst the first to pioneer the introduction of soft toilet paper into the staff toilets, back in 1963.
ENTICING VOICE: “offering an exciting opportunity”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously. When was the last time you were genuinely “excited” at work, eh? And I’m not talking about that time at the Christmas party when you got pissed on cheap wine and thought it would be a laugh to photocopy your genitals. Yes, you’ll be vaguely excited for the first couple of days, maybe even a week. We all were. But the novelty will soon wear off and you’ll become sad, bitter and twisted like the rest of us.
ENTICING VOICE: “full of challenge and variety”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be doing three people’s jobs.
ENTICING VOICE: “in a fast paced environment”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’ll be so bloody busy you’ll need to quite literally run round the office, so bring a pair of trainers.
ENTICING VOICE: “It’s a great opportunity to become a key player”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We all nip down the pub for a couple of hours every lunchtime to drown our sorrows, leaving you on your own to answer the phones.
ENTICING VOICE: “and make a real difference”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: You’d better be good or you’ll be out on your arse quicker than you can say ‘probation period’.
ENTICING VOICE: “So, if you’re a self-starter”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Seriously, if you are, please tell us what it means because we haven’t got a clue.
ENTICING VOICE: ”and team player”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We have a company football team. You’re the goalie.
ENTICING VOICE: “with a flexible approach”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Remember that bit we mentioned about doing three people’s jobs? Good. This is just a reminder. Slippers will do if you haven’t got any trainers
ENTICING VOICE: “and a great deal of tact and sensitivity”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Did we mention that the boss is an arsehole?
ENTICING VOICE: “we would like to hear from you”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: We’re desperate. The last person who did the job went off on sick leave and never came back.
ENTICING VOICE: “As well as a competitive salary”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Tell us how much you are being paid at the moment and we might offer you another £500. Don’t lie though. We’ll only find out.
ENTICING VOICE: “we offer a whole range of benefits”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: There’s a drinks machine – with a button for soup. Oh and a canteen, but no one eats in it since the last bout of food poisoning. And no, we don’t do mineral water out of poncey dispensers. Buy your own you tight arse.
ENTICING VOICE: “and modern offices situated in a prestigious location”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Yes, the offices are lovely… if you can find them! We’re in the middle of some God forsaken industrial wilderness in the Thames Valley, off the ninth roundabout that looks exactly like the other eight you’ll drive past on your way to the interview, as you get hopelessly lost and arrive late, totally stressed out and in a foul mood.
ENTICING VOICE: “So what are you waiting for”?
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Look, we didn’t spend several thousand pounds on a sexy, all-singing, all-dancing ad just so you could read it, think about it and then simply turn the page. Apply! Now!
ENTICING VOICE: “Please send your current CV and salary details”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Remember, no lying about how much you are currently paid and no boring drivel about how you are an avid train spotter who enjoys socialising with yourself, collecting martial arts videos and reading horror stories. We never read those bits anyway. Though on reflection, maybe we should.
ENTICING VOICE: “and take the first step towards that brighter future ”
OFFICIOUS VOICE: Oh go on then. We’ll throw in a desk lamp.
- END -
MOVIE HERO VERSUS ORDINARY BLOKE
INTRO: I love watching the movies, but I can’t help thinking to myself sometimes when I see the latest blockbuster, that somehow, in real life, things don’t go quite as smoothly.
MOVIE HERO: I’m a movie hero. I walk into a bar and a mysterious attractive woman immediately starts giving me the eye
ORDINARY BLOKE: I’m an ordinary bloke. I walk into a bar and the local nutter immediately starts giving me the eye
MOVIE HERO: No matter how busy the bar is, I always get served straight away
ORDINARY BLOKE: No matter how quiet the bar is, I stand holding a ten pound note out in front of me for twenty minutes, intermittently ‘tutting’ and looking round for people to have a moan about it with
MOVIE HERO: I say “give me a beer” and, despite not specifying a brand and whether I want a glass or a bottle, it arrives on the bar just a few seconds later. I am feeling very cool
ORDINARY BLOKE: When I eventually get the barman’s attention, I say “what bottled beers do you do?” He sighs, looks at me as if I am an idiot and reels off a list of exotic sounding names, half of which I have never heard of. I am feeling very flustered
MOVIE HERO: I down the first beer in one and am immediately poured another by the attentive barman. I am now giving the mysterious attractive woman the eye. Our gazes briefly meet, we both smile knowingly
ORDINARY BLOKE: I am still making up my mind. The barman loses the will to live and goes and serves somebody else. I try to avoid making eye contact with the local nutter but our gazes briefly meet. He scowls knowingly. I almost shit myself
MOVIE HERO: I take a couple of sips of my second beer, put it on the bar unfinished and, without so much as a word having passed between us, leave with the mysterious attractive woman clinging to me
ORDINARY BLOKE: I finally make a decision. When my drink arrives, I down it in one and leave, before words can pass between me and the local nutter, and, thankfully, without him clinging to me
MOVIE HERO: Back in my car, which is parked right outside, I switch on the radio and immediately find a station that is playing music that puts us in the mood for ‘luuuuurv’.
ORDINARY BLOKE: After a long walk back to my car, which I was forced to park half a mile away as it was the only poxy space I could find, I switch on the radio and fail to find a station that is playing music of any kind. It puts me in the mood for going back and smacking that nutter
MOVIE HERO: I spend the journey talking to the mysterious attractive woman whilst hideously oversteering the car and without once looking at the road. Incredibly, not one commercial plays on the radio. We are both getting turned on
ORDINARY BLOKE: I spend the entire journey looking at the road whilst trying to find a radio station that’s playing music rather than commercials. I give up. The radio gets turned off
MOVIE HERO: I park right outside the entrance to my loft apartment. I comment on what a beautiful moonlit night it is
ORDINARY BLOKE: I park three streets away from my bedsit. It’s pissing down
MOVIE HERO: Back in my loft apartment, I ask the mysterious attractive woman if she would like a drink. She says yes. Instead of offering her a choice, I just pour us both a large scotch from an expensive crystal decanter. She doesn’t even stop to question what it is but instead takes a large sip without so much as grimacing.
ORDINARY BLOKE: I eventually arrive back at my bedsit, soaked through. I need a drink to calm my nerves. All I can find is an old half-empty bottle of cheap scotch that has been in the kitchen cupboard for a couple of years. I pour myself a small one into a beaker that doubles as a toothbrush holder and take a sip. I grimace, decide it doesn’t taste too bad and proceed to drink several large ones to calm my nerves
MOVIE HERO: I finish my drink and make a move for the mysterious attractive woman. She responds positively
ORDINARY BLOKE: I finish my half-empty bottle of scotch, I make a move for the toilet, and respond negatively
MOVIE HERO: We fall into bed
ORDINARY BLOKE: I fall into the bath
MOVIE HERO: Despite hardly knowing each other, we make love for what seems like an eternity before reaching an incredibly intense crescendo. We orgasm simultaneously.
ORDINARY BLOKE: Knowing myself all too well, I retch for what seems like an eternity before throwing up all over my clothes and peeing myself simultaneously.
MOVIE HERO: We immediately fall asleep in each others arms
ORDINARY BLOKE: I immediately fall asleep in the bath
- END -
THE GROUP INTERVIEW FROM HELL
SFX: A DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING. A RATHER ENTHUSIASTIC AND EXUBERANT SALES DIRCTOR IS ADDRESSING A GROUP INTERVIEW
SALES DIRECTOR: Good morning everybody. My name is Stephen, I am the Sales Director and during the next hour or so we are going to get to know each other a bit better and find out just ‘who is fit’ and ‘who is shit ‘ for this job. OK?
SFX: A RATHER UNENTHUSIASTIC COLLECTIVE CRY OF ‘YES’ FROM THE GROUP
SALES DIRECTOR: Oh come on, you can do better than that can’t you?
SFX: A SLIGHTLY MORE ENTHUSIASTIC COLLECTIVE CRY OF ‘YES’ FROM THE GROUP
SALES DIRECTOR: That’s the spirit, great. Now, as we all know, in sales, just as in any other walk of life, first impressions count. Let’s face it, no one is going to buy something from you if you look like you get dressed in the dark, shave with a bread knife or get your hair done at ‘Shyte hairstyles are us’. So, first of all I’d like to take a look at you lot and see how you measure up, (pause) OK? Right, going round the room then, we’ll start with you (sums up each candidate in turn). Made the effort. Not a chance. Hmmmmmm. Must try harder. Possibilities. Could Be. In your dreams sunshine. What on earth? Good effort. Interesting, Are you Serious, and finally, hold on, don’t I know you?
PETER: Yes you do, Stephen. It’s Peter. Peter Dennison.
SALES DIRECTOR: Ah! That’s right! Peter Dennison. Peter ‘Mister AIDA’ Dennison. Well, well, well. What can I say?
PETER: A mover and shaker? Nicely turned out? In with a shout?
SALES DIRECTOR: Oh, you’re all in with a shout. Apart from him maybe, oh and her. Only joking love. First impressions don’t always turn out to be right now do they? Listen Peter, Pete. Mister P, whatever happened in the past is all water under the bridge as far as I am concerned.
PETER: Yes me too.
SALES DIRECTOR: Which is just as well, because as I recall, you were a real bastard to me. Sorry ladies and gentlemen I had better explain myself. You see Peter here, used to be my boss – until he made me redundant.
PETER: It was a long time ago.
SALES DIRECTOR: Indeed. Nine and a half years ago next Wednesday, to be precise. Do you know, I used to wake up every night for months afterwards and punch seven shades of shyte out of a mattress in the corner that I called Mister Dennison?
PETER: Really?
.
SALES DIRECTOR: Yes, really. I also used to lie in my bed at night, tossing and turning, dreaming up ways of getting even with you. Nasty, evil ways of getting my own back for what you did to me.
PETER: Well, I as I am sure you appreciate, I was just doing my job. Or would you like me to leave?
SALES DIRECTOR: No, no, Peter, don’t go. As I said, everyone in this room is in with a chance. Just because I used to despise you and what you put me through doesn’t mean to say that I wouldn’t consider you for this role. Oh no. I am a fair man. I can see now, with the benefit of hindsight that you were just a management puppet.
PETER: Yes, that’s pretty much how I remember it too.
SALES DIRECTOR: A miserable, scheming, two faced, stab you in the back, I’m alright Jack, management puppet
PETER: Well I don’t remember that bit, but I am glad we’ve managed to clear up any confusion.
SALES DIRECTOR: Indeed we have, so, let’s crack on shall we?
PETER: Sorry. Stephen. Can I just ask?
SALES DIRECTOR: Oh, Peter has a question! Yes, fire away.
PETER: The, er, the envelopes full of dog poo sent to my home address?
SALES DIRECTOR: Yes Peter. I must hold my hand up. The dog shyte was from me. I’d a border collie called ‘Psycho’ at the time. Lovely wee thing. Sadly no longer with us.
PETER: And the razor blades?
SALES DIRECTOR: Razor blades, razor blades? Ah yes! I almost forgot. Those old fashioned jobbies. Used to break up nicely into shards. These new fangled things are useless aren’t they. Mach 3 turbo? You may as well send someone a jiffy bag full of wet fish. They’re just as likely to hurt themselves.
PETER: Right. And the brake fluid over the car?
SALES DIRECTOR: Nail polish remover as I recall, but yes, you’ve got me banged to rights there too Peter.
SFX: A MASS SCRAPING OF CHAIR LEGS ON FLOOR. PEOPLE ARE LEAVING.
SALES DIRECTOR: Hey come on folks. Don’t leave. It was only a bit of fun. You know, practical jokes that people carry out when they’ve temporarily lost the balance of their mind? I’m fine now. Come back. Come back! It’s water under the bridge! The man was a puppet. I was merely the puppet killer designate.
SFX: THE DOOR CLOSES. THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.
SALES DIRECTOR: Oh well Peter, looks like your lucky day eh! The job’s yours, what do you say?
The old team back together again?
SFX: CHAIR SCRAPING, FEET RUNNING, VOICE IN DISTANCE SHOUTING
PETER: Er, I’ll let you know.
DOOR SLAMS
- END -
SOME QUICK OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NEWS ITEMS
School Lotteries - look on the bright side
It was recently announced that places at some popular schools are to be allocated by lottery. Apparently the new system will give more children a better chance of getting into these establishments. Some parents, however, are against the move and hope to get it overturned in the courts. Personally I don't see what the fuss is. After all, even if you don't get little Johnny into the school of your choice, at least you're in with a shout of winning a tenner!
Typical British reaction
Motorists who use hand-held mobile phones while driving face tougher penalties. The maximum fine has doubled to £60, and three points can be added to offenders' licences. A spokesman from the Association of British Drivers disagrees with the new measures, saying those who can use a phone in a 'responsible' way should be free to do so, whilst a member of the public, on a BBC website that invited people to have their say, in true British tradition commented " If only they could be as tough on burglars, muggers and rapists as they are on drivers".
Brainy kids
Four children aged between 8 and 13 astonished scientists recently after their mental abilities were transformed when they took a simple dietary supplement. Scans showed their brains underwent an amazing three years' of development in just three months. That's all very well, but have these scientists not thought about the possible downside? I mean, if these kids minds continue to develop at that sort of rate, they'll be down the British Legion stinking of wee and mothballs, drinking halves of milk stout and playing dominoes before they are 18.
Celebrity perfumes
I read somewhere recently that more than 20 celebrities currently have a perfume version of their personalities on the market. Hilary Duff and Celine Dion both launched products recently and even Kate Moss is planning to get in on the action, with a scent coming out in the autumn. Hilary's "With Love" is meant to capture her fun, spirited side, as well as her more sensual,sophisticated side, whilst Celine's "Spring in Paris" is named after her favourite season in one of her favourite cities. Kate meanwhile is rather unoriginally, but nevertheless unselfishly, planning to name hers after one of ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty's favourite places. She's calling it "Bethnal Green Nick"
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